The Whole Truth Part 3

I feel a lot of things now. I feel terrified. I feel confused. I feel like I should ask questions but I don't know which questions to ask. The nurses and doctors provide wonderful care but I worry that he'll think that one of them is mommy and not me. I wish I could hold him. We were given a brief precious gift but it will be at least a week now until we're allowed again. I'm married to my horrible breast pump with an awful determination to maintain the proper schedule. It's the one thing I can do for my little boy and I will do it.

I know this is not my fault but I can't help feeling guilty. He should be inside me safe and snug not exposed to the world and hooked up to medical equipment. I need time to adjust to this reality. I feel turned inside out physically and mentally. Nothing is normal anymore. We're doing our best to create a new normal.

Just because Hugo is doing well doesn't mean that everything is golden. He could take a turn at any time. As the doctors have told us, he'll probably have some scares. That's what preemies do.

I regret I only took one profile picture of myself while pregnant. Why didn't I take more pictures! I thought I'd have more time. Nolan told me we should take pictures and I didn't because I felt constantly unkempt and sweaty. I should have had more time.

I should go back to work while Hugo is in the hospital. One is only given so much time off. How will I manage it? Will I ever find a balance where I feel I'm spending enough time with my son but living the life I need to in order to support him? Will I ever forgive myself if something happens and I am away? I have coworkers who are pregnant. We were all due at within a week of each other. Now I will watch them grow the rest of their third trimesters as they anticipate the births of their full-term babies. Will I be able to do it without crying every single day? Will I be able to be happy for them while my baby is hooked up to wires and not in my arms?

Nolan and I look forward to discovering our own silver linings as we navigate this new world we never expected to be a part of. We're already a little more comfortable providing Hugo boundaries. It's so elating to be able to soothe him a bit. He's so tiny but so strong for such a tiny thing. He already opens his eyes a bit and we like to think that he can start recognizing our faces. Nurses may come and go but Mommy and Daddy will always come back, over and over again. We have a few children's books which we read to him and hopefully soon, if his brain scan is good, we'll be able to start holding him.

This is my whole truth. The truth of Hugo's birth and life. We're so grateful and overjoyed he is here and that he is ours. We look forward to the days and years to come.